A Thousand Whys

There is one question I hear the most that demands an answer that rarely satisfies the one asking, and that is “Why?”

I hear a skipping record of responses: The marriage was struggling, I felt unseen or unheard, things haven’t felt right for long time. Maybe these reasons have some truth to them, but for now let’s set those aside. Not because they don’t matter, but because it’s not the whole picture. And settling for ubiquitous answers will cost you everything this process has to offer.

There is something I have learned from my own experience and working with countless others:  there is no single “why”. There never is. What brought you to this moment isn’t one thing. What if I told you there are a thousand things? A thousand “whys”? What if I told you that each “why” matters? Hear me out.

I like to use the image of a puzzle. A thousand-piece puzzle that has a “why” on each piece. Each piece has edges and curves and must be placed in exactly the right spot for the picture to take shape. One piece might be insecurity. Another, a deep and quiet belief that you are unworthy of love. Others, patterns inherited so long ago you forgot they weren't yours to begin with. Still others, familial, cultural, and societal messages you have received that have not communicated worth, value, autonomy, or agency. The puzzle is yours. It has always been yours. You just haven't been asked to look at it until now.

That realization hits people differently. Some feel overwhelmed. Some feel exposed. Almost all of them feel the discomfort of a light being turned on in a room they've kept dark for a very long time. There is a new, deep understanding that a reckoning is going to have to take place for healing to begin.

That is the work of recovery from infidelity. And yes, it gets real, real fast.

I want to be clear that as we discover the “whys”, they are not permission. They are not a justification for what happened or an explanation that lets anyone off the hook. The “whys” exist for one reason: Clarity. Understanding. And most importantly, direction for change.

The purpose of piecing this puzzle together is not to build a case for yourself. You are piecing it together so you can finally, honestly, understand yourself. And from that understanding real change becomes possible. Not just "I'll never do this again" as a promise made in crisis. But transformation that is rooted in something true.

Remember, you didn't end up here because your marriage failed you. The puzzle was always yours to assemble. The question is whether you're willing to sit down and piece it together.

I've watched people do it. I've done it myself.

It's the hardest thing. And it will change everything.